15.

this past year i had a couple big milestone family birthdays that had me going through old family pictures. so many pictures and so many memories. Some I don't even remember, but i love going through them. I love that my grandma had put together an album with pictures of my dad growing up and him is a kid and old football newspaper articles with him featured. i even found his old year books from high school and i loved going through and reading all the messages that people had written to him. So many words of encouragement and love for him. it's weird but it brings me comfort to see all those messages. it also makes me feel kinda closer to him in some way. as of yesterday it has been 15 years since he has passed. 15 years and there are times where it seems like it has been a lifetime and times where it seems like yesterday. as usual it's a time for reflection and a time to remember and as i sat and went through old pictures last night i couldn't help of feel proud of the man he was. he was able to do so much in the time he was here. He lived a full and honorable life. Someone to be proud and someone I am proud to call my dad.

hope everyone has a simply memorable monday. 

14 years later

14 years ago my father passed away. didn't mean to start off with something so harsh and real but it's just the facts today. I've never written anything like this, and if I have it wasn't ever going to be made public. But I feel like this blog is a place I can be myself, and talk about my life.
So today's post is very personal.

When September 23rd rolls around it's always this day of... not sadness, but more a day of reflection. A day where I think about him, myself, what he would think of what I have done, or haven't done. It's a day to remember and to look forward at what may be ahead. I often think about what my life would be like if he was still alive. What father daughter things we would do, the conversations we would have. It's almost this foreign concept. I was young. I was only 8. And at the age of 8 I became an adult. His death has greatly contributed to my "mature" ways and thinking.
While others were out playing I was grieving a dad.

There are a couple of distinct things i remember about that day. I remember riding my bike when i saw someone walk outside and to the sidewalk. I remember throwing my bike down in the middle of the street and just knowing why they had come outside. I ran inside to my mother's crying side. It was over, he was gone. From there it was a blur of family and friends. I didn't cry at his funral,
I had to stay strong.

Loosing someone so close to you at such a young age will change your life forever. I know that if this life altering event hadn't happened, I wouldn't be who I am today. I wouldn't understand what suffering means, what compassion truly means. And that is something I am thankful for. 

All I think about now, all I hope for now, is that in some small way I have made him proud. I hope that when he looks down on me he isn't disappointed. I hold him in such a tight, closed, locked down place in my heart. He's my dad. And always will be. I can only hope to find someone someday as amazing as he was. I may have been young but he was an amazing father, husband, son, friend, and citizen. He was a business owner. Looks like I'll be taking over that :) ..I may not be building houses but I will be building events. And someday I will marry someone just like him. Someone who will love they way he did, and be able to build me a house..just like he did. :)

Love you daddy. Forever and always. Andrea