Friday, September 23, 2011

14 years later

14 years ago my father passed away. didn't mean to start off with something so harsh and real but it's just the facts today. I've never written anything like this, and if I have it wasn't ever going to be made public. But I feel like this blog is a place I can be myself, and talk about my life.
So today's post is very personal.

When September 23rd rolls around it's always this day of... not sadness, but more a day of reflection. A day where I think about him, myself, what he would think of what I have done, or haven't done. It's a day to remember and to look forward at what may be ahead. I often think about what my life would be like if he was still alive. What father daughter things we would do, the conversations we would have. It's almost this foreign concept. I was young. I was only 8. And at the age of 8 I became an adult. His death has greatly contributed to my "mature" ways and thinking.
While others were out playing I was grieving a dad.

There are a couple of distinct things i remember about that day. I remember riding my bike when i saw someone walk outside and to the sidewalk. I remember throwing my bike down in the middle of the street and just knowing why they had come outside. I ran inside to my mother's crying side. It was over, he was gone. From there it was a blur of family and friends. I didn't cry at his funral,
I had to stay strong.

Loosing someone so close to you at such a young age will change your life forever. I know that if this life altering event hadn't happened, I wouldn't be who I am today. I wouldn't understand what suffering means, what compassion truly means. And that is something I am thankful for. 

All I think about now, all I hope for now, is that in some small way I have made him proud. I hope that when he looks down on me he isn't disappointed. I hold him in such a tight, closed, locked down place in my heart. He's my dad. And always will be. I can only hope to find someone someday as amazing as he was. I may have been young but he was an amazing father, husband, son, friend, and citizen. He was a business owner. Looks like I'll be taking over that :) ..I may not be building houses but I will be building events. And someday I will marry someone just like him. Someone who will love they way he did, and be able to build me a house..just like he did. :)

Love you daddy. Forever and always. Andrea


  1. that was beautiful andrea and really well said .. you make me wanna go see my dad before it gets too late. for real tho .. wow that hit me hard but i'm really glad you were able to express it and do it in public too that's big of you cuz most people wouldn't be able to but i know you have made him extremely proud and you will find someone like him someday :) i just know it! a pharmacist that also builds houses on the side ;) i love you mama dearest! --- roomie jen

  2. What a beautiful letter...I have tears in my eyes and many, many great memories of your awesome dad. He was one of my favorites and I miss him too. You were such a special little girl to him and he was so proud of you and loved you SO very much. I know he is lookin down and is still very proud of you. My prayer for you is that you would find all the qualities your father had in your future husband!! May God grant you your request. Blessings and hugs!!